2010.. a review.

My loves.. I'm back. Finally feeling back to myself.. thankfully. I have a billion and half things to write and post, but first things first. 

1.What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
I fell unabashedly, whole heartedly, in love. I've loved before, but not like that. It ended, but I thank God everyday I was able to feel that regardless of how long it didn't last. And, I hit a telephone pole. That was awesome. Not. 

2.Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I didn't have any, so I guess I did. And the only thing I want to do in 2011 is to remember to be happy in every single moment and love it.. and do a lot of hot yoga. 

3.Did anyone close to you give birth?
Ew, no. 

4.Did anyone close to you die?
Kind of. 

5.What countries did you visit?
None.

6.What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
2010 has been a year leaving me so thankful for the good times. I want more of those good times. So many that I get used to them and almost forget to be thankful for them. 

7.What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Well.. there was January 1st when I hit the telephone pole. And then When I say John Mayer in concert. Ooooh my. 

8.What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I survived it and got into some amazing yoga postures. 

9.What was your biggest failure?
I moved back home. FAIL. 

10.Did you suffer illness or injury?
It would be easier to list the times when I didn't this year honestly. 

11.What was the best thing you bought?
My ticket to see John Mayer. 

12.Whose behavior merited celebration?
I think we all could have done better. 

13.Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
There are times and places in which I wish I had acted different. I hope I carry that with me the next time I'm in that position. 

14.Where did most of your money go?
Rent. And then my car. 

15.What events did you get really, really, really excited about?
John Mayer was by far the biggest high light of the year. 

16.What song will always remind you of 2010?
Taylor Swift - Today was a Fairytale

17.Compared to this time last year, are you:
i.happier or sadder? Happier, I think.
ii.thinner or fatter? the same!.
iii.richer or poorer? Richer actually. 

18.What do you wish you’d done more of?
Hmm.. good question. I think I'd have to say giving my time to others and yoga. 

19.What do you wish you’d done less of?
Stressing out. 

20.How will you be spending Christmas? 
I spent it with my family.. 2011 will be done the same way. 

21.Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
My mom, and Caitlin. 

22.Did you fall in love in 2010?
I did. 

23. How many one-night stands?
I had flings, but no one night things. 

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Dexter, No Ordinary Family and Big Bang Theory come out on top. 

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No way. I don't know what hate is. Really. 

26. What was the best book you read?
I can't say I had a favorite this year. 

27. What was your greatest musical discovery or rediscovery?

Nothing new in 2010... 

28. What did you want and get?
Everything.. except a new job. But that will happen in due time. 

29. What did you want and not get?
A new job. Here's to 2011!

30. What were your favorite films of this year?
I didn't really do a good job of seeing new movies this year. 

31.What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Had a BBQ.. turned 27. . Eeeps!

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Slept with John Mayer. Hey- we all have fantasies. Don't Judge. 

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Same as 2009. 

34. What kept you sane?
My friends and family. Couldn't have done it without them. Yoga and school. Kept me busy and my mind off of things. 

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most/least?
I was pretty disappointed by Jesse James. I mean why in the world would you cheat on Sandra Bullock.. and with that? Really? But I'm still riding high on the Britney train. 

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Still not sure why it's so hard for everyone to have equal rights. 

37. Whom did you miss?
I missed a lot of people. 

38. Who was the best new person you met?

Everyone new was awesome. 

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:

Be thankful, it really can just be over in a moment. 

40. Do you have any lost feelings of others.
I'm not sure I understand the question?

41.Quote a song that sums up your year:
I don't think there's one that can adequately sum up the entire year. 

Here's to 2011!

Coming down...

borrowed from somebodies tumblr. 

So, I've been basically going through what I consider to be detox the past few days after all the meds I've been on with my asthma- and it's horrible. I can't even begin to tell you how horrible I feel and unfortunately it's pretty much a 24/7 thing right now. I have found some relief in peppermint candies though and eat them non-stop just to get a little relief. 

Please bear with me as I'm certainly not suffering from writer's block and am absolutely dying to write, but just can barely stomach staring at the screen long enough without wanting to heave over. 

Everyday seems to get a little bit better though so hopefully regularly posting will resume ASAP. 

Thanks for sticking with me, I love you <3

Because it's Christmas.

I paid for someone's toll yesterday as I paid for my own.

It's only a dollar.

And to be honest, I do it even when it's not Christmas anyway.

It's only a dollar.

You should too. A small cheap gesture goes farther than you'd think in someone's life.

Not everyone has tolls they have to pay on a daily basis in order to use the freeway, but I'm sure you could think of something small and cheap and easy to do.

Make sure you tell me too. I love hearing that stuff.

Can't sleep. Again.

So, I thought I'd share this with you while I'm waiting for sleep to visit. It's something that's moved me since the first time I read it and I hope it moves you too.

"Do you know what every single scandal has in common? People involved never woke up on a Thursday morning and said, “I think I’ll wreck my life today!” Sin is a death of a thousand cuts, a slow walk of a million little steps. Let’s save the energy we usually end up using to judge those who have fallen and instead invest it in moments like this to work on our own lives and walks of faith." -Jon Acuff

Every time I read it, it never fails to evoke such empathy in me. I think of all my own mistakes and screw ups, and maybe someday if you're lucky I'll share one, or maybe two of them with you. But, I think of these things I did and I can't help but look inward and ask myself how dare I even have a passing thought on some one else's life.

I was watching "The Good Wife" last night on TV and the main character is in the process of making a mistake and she repeats to herself over and over and she's about to do it, "this is a bad idea.. this is a bad idea.. this is a bad idea," but she carries on anyway. How many time do we do that ourselves?

If you're anything like me, it's a lot.

A letter to sleep

Dear Sleep, 

      I miss you. I really wish you would come to visit once in a while, more than once a week and at 3.. sometimes 4 am, when the day is so soon going to interrupt our beautiful meeting. 

      I want to spend time with you, cuddle with you, love you, enjoy you, play little spoon to you... but you no sooner come than you're gone again, another 20 hours out of reach. 

      

      I know you have other places to go and people to see, I'm not trying to run your life, I just wish you'd make a little more time for me. 




I'll love you always, 
    even though you leave far too soon, 
          Elizabeth

Currently.

Just thought I'd share a current, right this moment picture of myself with you guys. Nothing fancy, no airbrushing or anything, but not bad for being dead with asthma for the past few days.

Nothing fancy, just me hanging out in bed working on some upcoming posts, keeping up to date with my Facebook and my Google Reader and checking out some recipes to make in the coming days/weeks. 

California Dreamin'

Last week someone found my blog through a google search asking what is a California Transplant. I'm not exactly how they find me by that as I did a search myself for that and gave up some where around page 14.  But, kudos to them for sticking with it and finding me.

The number one question I get asked in my day to day life when someone finds out I rep the 909, is what the (bleep) are you doing here? Well, that's a good question, so here's the story on how I became a California transplant.

So, I was pretty much born and raised in Souther California. I won't tell you the city though because I'm pretty sure I used that a password security answer some where along the times. Probably should have chosen something more difficult huh? Oh well, life goes on. Just don't steal my passwords, k?

Where was I? .. Oh yes. For most of my life, minus a couple years, I lived in Cali. I spent a year in Colorado and a year in Massachusetts when I was younger, but otherwise, I was in Cali.

Anyways, life was good and I really didn't have a care in the world until I was 16, going through the last couple months of my junior year when my mom told me we were moving. It was pretty last minute, definitely not something that had been planned, but my mom had been told that my grandmother was in bad shape and she wasn't expected to last much longer.

And so, just like that, we packed up and drove 3,000 miles here to New Hampshire to be with her.

My grandmother lasted quiet a bit longer than was originally expected and I'm pretty sure that's due to my mom taking such good care of her. So walked in and fought for my grandmother when the rest of the family walked out.

Those few years after moving here were some of the hardest. If you put the math together, I pretty much moved my senior year. So not only did I have to deal with that, I had to deal with my grandmother's failing health on a daily basis. And while I made it through and I believe I'm better for it, it's definitely not something I'd like to go through again.

I've been in New Hampshire now for a good 11 years and I've adjusted to it for the most part. I don't think I could ever live in California again though as I'm pretty adjusted to the quiet life that is N.H. I like the country here and driving on the hilly back roads covered by trees, driving with the windows open and almost drowning in the scent of lilacs, driving 3 hours north and seeing a moose crossing the street. These are things I'm not so ready to give up.

But, in loving these New England things like Dunkin' Donut's, the Red Sox and the Pats, I still can't live too far from the ocean, I miss palm trees like crazy, I still call the freeway a freeway and I live for the hottest of summer days so I can once again feel the burn of the asphalt on my bare toes.

I still carry California with me where ever I go. To me, it will always be home and forever it will be my state of mind.

So much so that here are a couple things from my Christmas list..

which is here

and this

                                           

which is here

(These come in a ton of other states too!)

My favorite place..

One of my favorite places in the whole house, besides my bed and the kitchen, is the shower.

If we had enough hot water to last, I could spend hours in the shower, just sitting on the bottom with the hot water rushing over me. As it is, we have enough to last about an hour, and I have no problem spending all that time using it up. 

You see, I have a mind that never shuts up. Never. It's always going, churning, thinking, over-analyzing, preparing, planning, organizing, understanding, solving, over-analyzing; and one of the few ways I've found that I can get it to quiet down is just by sitting in the bottom of then running shower. 

And it's really weird, because I can honestly feel a difference in the noise when I go from standing to sitting or sitting to standing. And the change in noise has nothing to do with the noise of the water rushing through the shower head or hitting the the tub, walls and shower curtain. The noise comes solely from my mind. Is that weird? Re-reading that I sound a little crazy. 

Truth be told, I kind of am. 

You're probably wondering why I don't just take a bath, but the truth is, that doesn't work. My head is still just as noisy in a bath as it is all the time, so I reserve those only when I feel like surrounding myself with bubbles or a body part needs a hot soak. 

Needless to say though, it's this shift in internal noise that has made the shower one of my favorite places. Because my mind is finally able to calm down a little, I in return can calm down a little. I'm able to unwind, to relax, to mellow for a bit. Sometimes I'll bring in a CD to listen to, but usually I don't. My head makes enough noise and I like to be able to enjoy the quiet when I can. It's not a big fancy thing, no candles or anything. Just the silence. 

Recipe for a Broken Heart Salve

Broken hearts are perhaps the hardest things in the world to heal. But, just like any other injury, it will heal itself in time. There is no cure all for broken hearts and while I have definitely been the victim of a couple in my past 26 years, this one is perhaps the worst. And so, I have started thinking of ways to help it heal, outside of just plain time and decided to share them in hopes maybe somebody else will find them as a helpful pain reducing ointment.

So, in order to make my broken heart salve, here is what you will need:

• Time (unfortunately)
• Tissues
• A really good support system
• A Hobby
• Something new that you are dying to try
• A mantra

    Time. The first ingredient. There is just no way around it and I know it absolutely sucks to hear. But, time does heal all wounds, and the broken pieces of your heart is no different then any other cut, scrap, bruise, sprain, break, that you might have received before. It takes time to heal just like all of those other things. It, of course, would be nice for it to heal quickly, but chances are, it won't. What is even more frustrating is that there is no time limit for how long it hurts. I hear sometimes that people say it will take twice as long as you were together, or half as long, or three quarters as long or some other random scientific calculation as to how long it will hurt, but honestly, there is just no time length. It can take a month. It can take a year. It can take 5 years for some (although, I hope that I am definitely not in that group). But each of us is different and while our wounds all heal differently, the important thing to remember is that they do indeed heal. 

    Tissues. Oh, you will need a lot of them. Like, a couple boxes a lot of them. If you're lucky. You're going to cry. It is just how it is. Please don't be one of those people who hold it all in, get jaded, build up these crazy walls and only end up hurting yourself in the end because you're too scared to feel anything. Just cry. A lot. Get it all out. Crying scours the heart. Right now, I cry all the time. I am not shy about it. I cry on the phone. I cry in the car. I cry at work. I cry when I get home. I cry. A lot. But every time I cry, I feel a lot better. I purge all the hurt that I'm feeling in those tears and snot. I promise you there is nothing wrong with crying over a broken heart. You're hurting. It hurts like hell. And it aches. And boy oh boy does it ache. And it hurts. So cry. And it's okay to say a lot of negative things when you cry too, I do. The point is that it is really important to your moving on (in a healthy way) to get these feelings and emotions out and not bottle them up. 

    A really good support system. My mom holds me a lot when I cry, I ask her too. I guess it is one of the perks of moving back home. And during this process of healing I also told her that I just need her to constantly tell me that I'm going to be okay. All the time. Just tell me. And my friends? I told them the same thing. Just please constantly reaffirm to me that I am going to be okay. You need strong people around you because you're not always going to feel strong and you're going to need them to hold you up sometimes when you can hold yourself up. There is no shame in asking someone to just be there for you and comfort you and listen to you. I'll listen if you need me to. But you need people, don't isolate yourself, now is not the time. Isolate yourself when you have a deadline and a really big project, but not when you're hurting. 

    A hobby. You must stay busy. As busy as you can possibly stay. Now is the time to paint the room you've been putting off. Or start training for the marathon you really never considered ever running. Or clean the house. And then your car. And volunteer. You just need a hobby. I have school. Outside of work, school has turned into my hobby and I have completely thrown myself into it even more than I did before. I need to stay busy. The busier I am, the less time I have to dwell on anything. And it is the same for you too. 

    Something new that you are dying to try. This should also be of the really challenging variety, something that makes you feel like you're not going to make it through. That there is no way you can possibly do this. And that is exactly the thing you should do. I have personally taken on Bikram Yoga, which is yoga done in a room that is heated to 105 degrees. It is hot. And I grew up in California, but this is hot. And humid. And it lasts for 90 minutes. And every time I go, just making it through the class, even by just sitting.. or by lying there.. is exhilarating. It is inspiring. And it gives you nothing but 90 minutes of thinking about how to make it through your present situation without dying, because you don't have time to think about anything else. Which is really like a mental nap from everything else you've been thinking and mulling over. This is the single most difficult thing I have even done. And to make it through let's me know that I can make it through anything. 

    A mantra. Lastly, You need something that you can constantly repeat to yourself all the time. It needs to bring you comfort and enable you to focus and be in the present. It also needs to be something you believe. It needs not to be difficult, simple is just fine. Mine is that I'm going to be okay. I tell myself this all day long. All the while I'm crying and blowing my nose, I tell myself that I'm going to be okay. I have my mom tell me all day long. I have my friends tell me too. It brings me comfort and I believe it. I know I'm not going to be okay today or even tomorrow or maybe any time soon, and I don't need to be, but I know that eventually, eventually I will be okay. I will make it through this. 

    And these are all my ingredients for a broken heart salve. You can pick one or you can pick them all, or maybe you have other things that help that I might need to know too. I have found that everyday seems to get microscopically easier. I await the day that I will wake up and it won't hurt anymore. The day that I can stop sleeping with his sweater and pack away all the notes and mementos. I don't think that will anytime soon, but I know that day will eventually come. In the meantime, I need to surround myself in warm hugs and soft tissues. I just have to keep telling myself it will be okay and focus on not dying in yoga. 

My apologies for being so absent. I decided to finally finish the last 18 credits I need to get my B.A. and it's taking up massive amounts of time. Okay, it's really taking up all my time. I have 9 credits this semester, hopefully a couple this summer and then the rest in the fall. And then I'm done.

On top of school I've been job hunting non-stop as well. I won't go into my work related issues here, I could write what would amount to a 30 page post about it, but then again, can't we all? None the less though, it's time to find a new job and while I apply to about 10 jobs a week, there are also 1,000 other people applying to those 10 jobs a week and so it makes it difficult. Thankfully I at least have a job, for now, while I pursue a new one, but it really can't come quick enough. And that also takes up all of my time.

In between school and job hunting, I've had to find time to deal with my car situation. I should finally have it back the middle of this week. My rental runs out today actually, but my parents are going to cover tomorrow since there's no way they'd be able to drive me back and forth tomorrow, but I'll be returning it tomorrow evening and they will be shuttling me around the next couple days. Luckily I have the most amazing parents in the entire world and their kindness always humbles me. I look forward though to getting to spend some time with them and watching their 46 inch LCD HDMI tv a little bit too. Even if I have to watch sports with my dad.

I do have random things to blog about as well, opinion that truly need to be shared on such topics as birka's in France and 18th century literary restoration and my independent study and.. and.. just stuff. However, that requires time and hopefully I'll be able to make some soon to talk about something else besides how much time I don't have.